• HOME
  • BLOG
  • ABOUT
  • SERVICES
  • CONTACT

Audrey JoAnn | Content and Copy Writer

Compelling Copy for Female Founders

IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE COMFORTABLE

November 15, 2018

photo via my wildly talented friend

I’ve been toying with writing about this for a while because I struggle with it all the time, but I still don’t have all the answers. “People pleaser” is a term that’s thrown around a lot. It can be a natural posture or learned. For me, I think it was learned. But I have been practicing the pursuit of not needing to make everyone else comfortable and happy, and it’s been really freeing. And really, really hard.

I’ve always needed everyone around me to feel at ease. If a friend was mad at me in high school, I would be devastated. My mind would implode as I tried to make things right and just be on their good side again. I’d apologize and then tiptoe around their feelings to make sure I never made anyone mad again. (Which, obviously with friendships amongst adolescence and puberty and SO MANY FEELINGS, did not last.)

I eventually became the funny friend, using humor to hide my rapidly jading feelings and to make sure I was adored by all. Yet, so many nights I would cry to my mom about feeling used, or disliked by, or less than the people I wanted to like me most.

—

Before I went to high school, my brothers flew off the handle. They partied and stole and lied to my parents, who were in the midst of a nasty divorce. I was terribly mad at my dad for what I perceived as being the cause of my family breakup and my brothers’ destructive behavior.

But what could I do? I was a child. I had no say in the decisions of the adults around me or the actions of my strangers of brothers. My mom was in classes to become a realtor on top of dealing with her own emotional turmoil, and I noticed the house needed some help.

So, I shut up and I cleaned. I did dishes. I organized the pantry. I vacuumed and did laundry. I remember carefully folding my brothers’ shirts, making sure the logos visible so that they could see which shirts were theirs and trade them easily if I put them in the wrong one’s pile. At 12, I just decided if I couldn’t change anything, I would help as much as I could. My brothers would tornado through the house, and I’d follow quietly behind with a broom and dustpan.

—

This is all to give a little framework to the habits that I formed early. Maybe your past sounds like mine, maybe it doesn’t. I certainly don’t blame my friends or my family for any of my current habits. I don’t see myself as a victim in any way. I know I chose my reactions to what was going on around me, and I’ve forgiven the people who likely didn’t mean to hurt me.

In fact, I still have dear relationships with girls from high school, and several came to my wedding. My dad and I are on good terms, and my brothers have both worked tirelessly to clean up their acts. I am so proud of them.

But those routines of helping and bending over backwards for others stuck around as I went to college and became an adult. Making others feel comfortable was as much of a requirement as blinking my eyes.

I’m also an introvert. I have a hard time connecting with new people in large crowds or making small talk with people I don’t know well. Joining the workforce and experiencing networking and work events for the first time was a hell of an experience for a people-pleasing introvert. I inherently felt like I was always doing or saying something wrong.

—

Something clicked in me recently, though. I was at an awkward dinner where the conversation was NOT flowing. As quickly as possible, so as not to let too long of a cringe-y silence pass, I mentally ticked through topics of conversation I should bring up… Had we talked about work? Upcoming travel? Family updates? Significant others or dating stories? Should I ask about their extended family or pets, or would that seem too obvious I’m grasping for straws? Can I ask about their biggest dreams and desires, or is that too much and too heavy?

I can’t tell you how often this stream of thoughts inundates my mind during small groups or one-on-one settings. I bear the responsibility of carrying the conversation. If people aren’t laughing, I blame myself for not keeping it light or funny enough. If they are checking their phone, I think I must be boring or conversationally inept.

Enough! I finally realized it was enough. As great as it is to be good at conversation, I had to start telling myself that conversation is supposed to involve more than one person. Networking events require involvement from all parties, not just shy ol’ me. Awkward dinners are not my weight to carry. If it’s awkward and quiet, it isn’t my job to fill the silence. It is okay to sit in it and enjoy the company of others, with or without constant chatter.

—

I’m not sure what led me to this realization, other than getting tired. At nearly 27-years-old, I became tired of placing my self-esteem on the shoulders of others and their reactions to me. While I can still get down if I feel I’ve disappointed someone, I chew on it and obsess over it much less. If my intentions were good and I did my best, while honoring my own sanity and comfort, that’s enough for me.

With the holidays coming up, it’s a good reminder for me and perhaps for you to not let the opinions or actions of others affect you (me) so deeply. Family functions can be stressful as hell. I. Get. It. Trust me… But this holiday season can be different, even if the only thing different is your approach.

Sit in the discomfort. Let others chime in during the weird, quiet blips. If someone is upset about something you did or didn’t do, let them be upset. Their emotional stability is not up to you, as long as you’re making healthy, kind decisions. You might be surprised at how wonderfully at ease you finally feel, and that the world continues moving without your constant performance.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)

4 Comments in Career, Life, Relationships

« WHAT BRENÉ BROWN HAS TO SAY ABOUT SELF-CARE
DEALING WITH CRITICAL FEEDBACK GRACEFULLY »

RELATED POSTS

  • Hello
  • The Art of An Affair
  • Motion For All Bloggers To Stop Using This Phrase
  • Breaking Rules In My Birthday Suit

Comments

  1. Bonnie says

    November 15, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    Well AudreyJoJo, thank you for this. We are definitely from the same gene pool. Introvert plus here, love one on ones, but dread groups, therefore not involved in them. conversationally inept feels right one and for heavens sake i’m 76. learning to live with who I am through all the changes and challenges of living is frequently daunting but I am finally comfortable with me. I can change as circumstances require, the outgoing director of nursing, consultant, speaker to organizations, and the quiet, content quilter with a quiet content companion. the only thing missing is life is a DOG. Someone would have a kinitty fit if that happened. So hang in there girl. we are nurturers, we take care of others, so they are comfortable. just don’t forget to take care of yourself too. some of us have to learn THAT lesson late in life. Love you Dear Girl, sorry I missed your wedding but the pics were wonderful.

    Reply
    • audrey swanson says

      November 19, 2018 at 7:05 am

      Awww, this warmed my heart to read. And if it’s any consolation, I say get the dog!

      Reply
  2. Julie says

    November 16, 2018 at 3:23 pm

    So…the ‘pleaser diseaser’…rampant! And it’s wrapped up in all of what you shared…and probably another layer or 40. Truth. We do all have it at some level. The willingness to talk openly about it? That’s key and so cool!! And like every ‘notice’…it pulls on a new muscle to flex…use…get in shape. Isn’t it so much easier to skip the gym? Yet, so so worth the strain and ache of pushing yourself to learn this now…with grace and patience and maybe even some set backs. And just like exercise…it’s only a habit when you keep doing it. Love this. Julie B

    Reply
    • audrey swanson says

      November 19, 2018 at 7:04 am

      Yes! Agreed, it is an exercise. Thank you for reading!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Welcome! I'm Audrey, and I adore connecting with female founders and telling their stories in a way that matters & lasts for years to come.

Search

Download my free guide! (Click below!)

Let’s keep in touch!

Catch me on social!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

audskelton

The secret to describing your coaching service, pr The secret to describing your coaching service, product, offer, course, etc. online = talking about the amazing end result your thing will provide buyers. That’s it. 

Never ever ever *lead* with:

✖️You get 50 pages of content!
✖️ There’s over 10 hours of video instruction!
✖️ A free workbook comes with!
✖️ You’ll be added to my private FB group!
✖️ 12 modules waiting for you!
✖️ ... or anything regarding the FEATURES of your product/service. 

(And especially don’t list every single feature as the full caption, please for the love of Pete. 🥱) Think of those items as the fine print. Logical buyers maaaay be interested, but most people care way more about what your offer can change or improve for them. What specific result will it give them? What will it make them feel, help them achieve, allow them to excel at??

The logistical details can go at the bottom of your sales page—and honestly, just totally remove them from your social posts and CTAs.

Trust me... *I know how valuable those detail pieces feel and SEEM from your perspective as the creator* because it shows the hard work and effort you put into your offer. But talking about how much content is inside your product doesn’t mean ANYTHING unless people understand what that content can do for them. So always, aaaalways lead with that.

*steps off soapbox* 

Side note, this picture is from forever ago and is making me majorly ready to cut my hair again. 😂 Should I go for the mom chop?! ✂️
The absolute loves of my life. 🤎 Can’t wait t The absolute loves of my life. 🤎 Can’t wait to see what these two peas in a pod get into for years and years to come.
Our little buddy turned 3 months old yesterday and Our little buddy turned 3 months old yesterday and I can hardly believe it. These few months have simultaneously flown by and felt like a year. Wallace has grown so much and even though you always hear parents say stop growing so fast, I feel almost the opposite. I feel such pride with each new roll he develops, the strength his neck is gaining, and his belly that just keeps expanding. Is this weird?! Regardless, it’s been my greatest joy to watch him grow and his personality begin to emerge. The way he smiles and chuckles when we quack or say “WHOA!” The rapid-fire kicks he does when he has room to sprawl out. His love for walks and disdain for car rides. 🥴 It’s all so fun and special and new (for all of us!), and I wouldn’t trade a moment for anything in the world. 🤎
Jesus’s return is the most precious miracle of m Jesus’s return is the most precious miracle of miracles... but the fact that we’re all facing the camera and even (kind of) smiling in this SELF-TIMER pic is a pretty close second. 😆🥲 Happy Easter and sending you so much love and joy! 🤎
Everything is temporary. It’s been my mantra thr Everything is temporary. It’s been my mantra through the hardest and sweetest moments these past few months, and even more so as I ease back into work this week.

It’s all temporary. The good, the bad, the big emotions, the tenderest moments, the hard days, the beautiful days, the teeny socks, the endless emails, the nap strikes, the stacked deadline weeks, the sweet bonding of nursing.

None of it will be around forever, and even though I probably won’t have my schedule figured out for a long, long time, that doesn’t mean these days of just getting by and praying it all works out aren’t important.

They’ll be gritty, cobbled-together, and messy. But they’re mine. I get to craft these days however I want to, with the sweetest babe on my hip and my honey in our back office chasing his own dream, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Vacations hit different with a baby, that is for s Vacations hit different with a baby, that is for sure. 🤪 The days revolve around naps and feedings, and afternoons that we once would have spent taking 4-mile hikes or sitting on a patio at a brewery are now spent reading, playing cards, and listening to Kacey Musgraves and Tom Petty in our Airbnb while Wally snoozes. It’s not worse, but it’s a different pace than I’m used to and that’s okay. In fact, it’s probably more needed than I realize as I wrap up my maternity leave and get back to work in a couple days. Grateful for these slow days and sweet memories with my loves. Now... we just have to make the 4-hour drive home tomorrow with a dog and baby who both hate the car. 🤣 (PS... I’m sharing more thoughts about how I feel heading back to work in this week’s newsletter that goes out Friday—you can sign up to get emails from me with copywriting tips, business anecdotes, and some life updates too in the link in my bio! ☺️) #babysfirstvacation #laketahoe
flannels + chunky sweaters + squishy babies + gorg flannels + chunky sweaters + squishy babies + gorgeous views = my aesthetic forever and ever. 😍
When I was little, I said I wanted 4 kids, just li When I was little, I said I wanted 4 kids, just like my own family. I wanted a girl, boy and girl twins, and a boy. (‘Cause you can totally plan those things. 🥴)

Then, my parents got divorced and in my angsty teenager-ness, I was like, “Nope, nevermind. I’m good with no kids thanks!”

I didn’t want the pressure of raising someone and somehow damaging or disappointing them. And I was skeptical that a couple could stay together and happily raise a family.

When John and I started dating, he was so confident in us and our future. I’d never met a guy who a) pursued me so openly and consistently and b) made me feel valued in every area of my life. Career, relationship, family, health, faith.

When we went on our first camping trip about a year into dating, we were having one of those deep, wine-fueled campfire chats that seem extra important and lovely. I asked him how he knew he first loved me.

He was so good at always complimenting my drive and ambition, or how I looked regardless of whether I was dressed up or grungy after a workout. I figured it would be a combination of those sorts of things, but he surprised me when he said, “Because I know you’ll be a good mom.”

Uhhhh, what? I was like, “... But you know I’m not even sure I want to be a mom. How can you see that?”

He said in the way I so deeply care for others and myself. He had this unwavering belief that we could build a family, and he wanted this girl who spent a lot of years feeling broken to lead it alongside him.

I know this doesn’t sound very “progressive,” but his faith in me being a good mom healed a part of me in so many ways.

I always knew I was driven. I knew I could build a career and life I loved. But I didn’t believe I could build a family that lasted. Or at least, I was scared to think what might happen if I tried.

Wallace is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. He made me the mom that John believed I could be more than five years ago.

I don’t know if you ever necessarily feel “good” at being a parent, because every day is filled with mistakes & learning curves, but I will say that it’s the most immediately natural I’ve felt in any role I’ve stepped into, ever.
Would it be too much to gallery wall an entire hou Would it be too much to gallery wall an entire house? Asking for a friend.

Newborn family photos by my talented, sweet friend @jilliangoulding. She is too good! 🤍
Load More... Follow @audswan on Instagram
THEME BY ECLAIR DESIGNS
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.