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Audrey JoAnn | Content and Copy Writer

Compelling Copy for Female Founders

IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE COMFORTABLE

November 15, 2018

photo via my wildly talented friend

I’ve been toying with writing about this for a while because I struggle with it all the time, but I still don’t have all the answers. “People pleaser” is a term that’s thrown around a lot. It can be a natural posture or learned. For me, I think it was learned. But I have been practicing the pursuit of not needing to make everyone else comfortable and happy, and it’s been really freeing. And really, really hard.

I’ve always needed everyone around me to feel at ease. If a friend was mad at me in high school, I would be devastated. My mind would implode as I tried to make things right and just be on their good side again. I’d apologize and then tiptoe around their feelings to make sure I never made anyone mad again. (Which, obviously with friendships amongst adolescence and puberty and SO MANY FEELINGS, did not last.)

I eventually became the funny friend, using humor to hide my rapidly jading feelings and to make sure I was adored by all. Yet, so many nights I would cry to my mom about feeling used, or disliked by, or less than the people I wanted to like me most.

—

Before I went to high school, my brothers flew off the handle. They partied and stole and lied to my parents, who were in the midst of a nasty divorce. I was terribly mad at my dad for what I perceived as being the cause of my family breakup and my brothers’ destructive behavior.

But what could I do? I was a child. I had no say in the decisions of the adults around me or the actions of my strangers of brothers. My mom was in classes to become a realtor on top of dealing with her own emotional turmoil, and I noticed the house needed some help.

So, I shut up and I cleaned. I did dishes. I organized the pantry. I vacuumed and did laundry. I remember carefully folding my brothers’ shirts, making sure the logos visible so that they could see which shirts were theirs and trade them easily if I put them in the wrong one’s pile. At 12, I just decided if I couldn’t change anything, I would help as much as I could. My brothers would tornado through the house, and I’d follow quietly behind with a broom and dustpan.

—

This is all to give a little framework to the habits that I formed early. Maybe your past sounds like mine, maybe it doesn’t. I certainly don’t blame my friends or my family for any of my current habits. I don’t see myself as a victim in any way. I know I chose my reactions to what was going on around me, and I’ve forgiven the people who likely didn’t mean to hurt me.

In fact, I still have dear relationships with girls from high school, and several came to my wedding. My dad and I are on good terms, and my brothers have both worked tirelessly to clean up their acts. I am so proud of them.

But those routines of helping and bending over backwards for others stuck around as I went to college and became an adult. Making others feel comfortable was as much of a requirement as blinking my eyes.

I’m also an introvert. I have a hard time connecting with new people in large crowds or making small talk with people I don’t know well. Joining the workforce and experiencing networking and work events for the first time was a hell of an experience for a people-pleasing introvert. I inherently felt like I was always doing or saying something wrong.

—

Something clicked in me recently, though. I was at an awkward dinner where the conversation was NOT flowing. As quickly as possible, so as not to let too long of a cringe-y silence pass, I mentally ticked through topics of conversation I should bring up… Had we talked about work? Upcoming travel? Family updates? Significant others or dating stories? Should I ask about their extended family or pets, or would that seem too obvious I’m grasping for straws? Can I ask about their biggest dreams and desires, or is that too much and too heavy?

I can’t tell you how often this stream of thoughts inundates my mind during small groups or one-on-one settings. I bear the responsibility of carrying the conversation. If people aren’t laughing, I blame myself for not keeping it light or funny enough. If they are checking their phone, I think I must be boring or conversationally inept.

Enough! I finally realized it was enough. As great as it is to be good at conversation, I had to start telling myself that conversation is supposed to involve more than one person. Networking events require involvement from all parties, not just shy ol’ me. Awkward dinners are not my weight to carry. If it’s awkward and quiet, it isn’t my job to fill the silence. It is okay to sit in it and enjoy the company of others, with or without constant chatter.

—

I’m not sure what led me to this realization, other than getting tired. At nearly 27-years-old, I became tired of placing my self-esteem on the shoulders of others and their reactions to me. While I can still get down if I feel I’ve disappointed someone, I chew on it and obsess over it much less. If my intentions were good and I did my best, while honoring my own sanity and comfort, that’s enough for me.

With the holidays coming up, it’s a good reminder for me and perhaps for you to not let the opinions or actions of others affect you (me) so deeply. Family functions can be stressful as hell. I. Get. It. Trust me… But this holiday season can be different, even if the only thing different is your approach.

Sit in the discomfort. Let others chime in during the weird, quiet blips. If someone is upset about something you did or didn’t do, let them be upset. Their emotional stability is not up to you, as long as you’re making healthy, kind decisions. You might be surprised at how wonderfully at ease you finally feel, and that the world continues moving without your constant performance.

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4 Comments in Career, Life, Relationships

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Comments

  1. Bonnie says

    November 15, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    Well AudreyJoJo, thank you for this. We are definitely from the same gene pool. Introvert plus here, love one on ones, but dread groups, therefore not involved in them. conversationally inept feels right one and for heavens sake i’m 76. learning to live with who I am through all the changes and challenges of living is frequently daunting but I am finally comfortable with me. I can change as circumstances require, the outgoing director of nursing, consultant, speaker to organizations, and the quiet, content quilter with a quiet content companion. the only thing missing is life is a DOG. Someone would have a kinitty fit if that happened. So hang in there girl. we are nurturers, we take care of others, so they are comfortable. just don’t forget to take care of yourself too. some of us have to learn THAT lesson late in life. Love you Dear Girl, sorry I missed your wedding but the pics were wonderful.

    Reply
    • audrey swanson says

      November 19, 2018 at 7:05 am

      Awww, this warmed my heart to read. And if it’s any consolation, I say get the dog!

      Reply
  2. Julie says

    November 16, 2018 at 3:23 pm

    So…the ‘pleaser diseaser’…rampant! And it’s wrapped up in all of what you shared…and probably another layer or 40. Truth. We do all have it at some level. The willingness to talk openly about it? That’s key and so cool!! And like every ‘notice’…it pulls on a new muscle to flex…use…get in shape. Isn’t it so much easier to skip the gym? Yet, so so worth the strain and ache of pushing yourself to learn this now…with grace and patience and maybe even some set backs. And just like exercise…it’s only a habit when you keep doing it. Love this. Julie B

    Reply
    • audrey swanson says

      November 19, 2018 at 7:04 am

      Yes! Agreed, it is an exercise. Thank you for reading!

      Reply

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Welcome! I'm Audrey, and I adore connecting with female founders and telling their stories in a way that matters & lasts for years to come.

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audskelton

Who do you think was more excited about this day t Who do you think was more excited about this day trip out to the coast... us or Wallace? 😅😂 I love them. Also, I can’t get over the burp cloth on John’s shoulder. Ya know, just in case. #newparentlife
One hour, just us two in our backyard with a big c One hour, just us two in our backyard with a big charcuterie board, a deck of cards, a couple glasses of rosé, and no baby monitor. 🤎

The first week of Wallace’s life? I ached even being in another room from him (#hormones). I was a wreck of emotions and had legitimate baby tunnel vision... preeeetty much nothing else mattered. But things have been balancing out this past week, and today was so needed.

My mom is in town all month and watched Wally for us so we could have some time just us two—yep, in the backyard because of shelter in place restrictions from COVID. (Plus let’s be real... I’m not quite ready for an out-of-the-house date yet anyway. 😂)

As much as I desire to be a present + loving mama and ambitious business owner, it’s just as important to me to prioritize our marriage with little moments like this to just be in each other’s presence (and not just talk about burping and swaddling and bedtime routines, like most of our recent convos).

Here’s to (almost) 2 weeks of being parents, @the_beermonger. I think we’ll do okay.
My two favorite guys in the world. 🤍🌎 My two favorite guys in the world. 🤍🌎
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And this really has been the best thing.

So, so thankful for a hands-on husband who’s been so involved in everything... there’s something indescribable about watching your partner care for your child and step into a big, new role like this so gracefully. And we are thankful for ALL of the support, near and far (... mostly far), from our family and friends and coworkers. What a week... here’s to continuing to figure it all out together as a family. 😌
At 5 a.m. my water broke and at 3:44 p.m. our worl At 5 a.m. my water broke and at 3:44 p.m. our worlds and hearts were changed forever. Everything in between was a gritty, fast-moving tidal wave of emotion, pain, instinct, and a kind of love I never could’ve imagined.

Welcome, Wallace Ronal Skelton. 🤎 You kept us waiting until you decided, very quickly, you’d like to be here. I’m still in disbelief that you are ours. 

January 4, 2021 • 7 lbs 4 oz • 20.5 inches • Sweet as can be.
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our first and probably only christmas just us thre our first and probably only christmas just us three! quiet and simple and a little sad but mostly filled with hope and gratitude. hope yours is special in all the best ways. 🤍
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