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Audrey JoAnn

Writer ● Adventurer ● Storyteller

PRAYER

July 22, 2016

Well, folks, John and I have landed. We are in Nashville, and it’s hot, humid, and way more bug-gy than I remember (my legs, currently, have about 20 red and itchy welts from mosquitoes). We are adjusting to this new life and are exhausted—a move like this makes a week feel like one long, perpetually busy day. But, between unpacking boxes, running errands, organizing our mixed belongings, and refinishing a coffee table and TV stand that I’m slightly in over my head with, we’re both maddeningly, overwhelmingly happy.

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I’ll look up from working at my computer and see John looking at me with this big, cheesy grin, and every so often, I get sudden pangs of gratitude, like pebbles slingshot at my heart, when I see him taking out the trash or making dinner, simple gestures just to help me out. Is this what romance is as an adult? If so, I think I’m in. I’ll talk more about the move later on, but right now I want to share something else, a major a-ha moment, that happened leading up to this giant trip from Texas to Tennessee.

Faith is an interesting thing. It’s trusting in something greater than yourself, something not completely comprehendible, and that trust is ideally wholehearted and unwavering. Anyone with faith in anything, religious or not, knows, though, that doubts and uncertainties creep in still. It’s human nature, and I am so painfully human most days.

I’m writing this post out of a place of honesty and humility and, truthfully, because I became awestruck recently by faith working in my life—but this post is not out of “preaching” or even telling people what they should do or believe. That’s not my place or my decision.

Religion isn’t talked about often online, at least not in the places I go daily (Instagram, Facebook, and so on). But, as a strong believer in going as hard against the grain as possible, here we go: Let’s jump into one of those weird, first-date-no-no subjects right here.

I was raised Christian, but my faith has gone through incredibly weak, nearly nonexistent periods. Throughout college I felt farther away from God than ever before. I had just graduated from a Lutheran high school, where religion was simply intertwined into everyday things: teacher-led prayers before tests, coach-led prayers before soccer games, whole classes devoted to different books in the Bible, and, of course, weekly chapel.

In college, when all of that disappeared and I embraced what I thought was freedom from so much organized religion being thrown at me, I did that thing that naïve kids do when they get to college. I partied too much, drank too much, and started placing my worth in things other than faith, like attention from men.

Even after college, I struggled making the time to go to church or even to pray. I felt so disconnected from God that I ignored him altogether. Between changing jobs, adjusting to life post-school, and starting a relationship, I experienced a solid share of ups and downs, and especially during those ups, I’d feel a desire to reconnect and find a church home.

For the last several months, John and I have been going to Valley View Christian Church, a nondenominational church in North Dallas. (Side note: If you’re in the area and looking to try somewhere new, I really do love this church. The pastor, Joe, is relatable and kind-spoken, which is something important to me when finding a church—and also hard to find in Texas, to be totally honest. I don’t thrive or receive the message well, if at all, in fire-and-brimstone, more aggressive church environments.)

Getting back into going to church has been like finally getting a drink out of a cold water bottle after a long run. I can’t describe how transformative it’s been to have this place where I feel so encouraged by and connected with God. I find myself dealing with things that would normally make me feel upset or impatient in much different ways—not to say I am by any means perfect (at all), but there’s an extra step in my processing of information and situations, a certain perspective I’ve missed these last few years.

Valley View’s mission is to love God by loving people, and something they’re adamant about as a church is prayer. I always prayed growing up, or took part in group prayer with family or classes, but I still never really knew how to do it. “How” might not be the right word, though—I more so felt that I didn’t have anything valuable or interesting to say.

But I’ve learned through my reinvestment in my faith that, even if you have no means (money, time, and so on) to help others, praying is truly a conversation with God that can ignite his heart and hand to make changes as he sees fit. As someone who’d basically ignored God for a chunk of years, I was nervous about prayer for a long time. Why would he listen to me?

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Our sweet patio, where I’ll be tirelessly attempting to give myself a green thumb.

I felt that way until one morning in June when I woke up, sat down on my closet floor with the door closed, and started talking. I still didn’t really know what to say. I said some thank yous for good things going on, some sorrys for the endless list of mistakes I’ve made, and some pleases for requests in my life and in others’ I know and love. And then I kept doing that same thing, every morning, for the last, probably, month or so.

As the plans for John’s and my move to Nashville began taking more vivid shape, I knew I needed to pray for sanity (I have never done a move this big, and nervous would be an understatement for how I felt) and also guidance and patience.

Early on in this moving scenario, probably three to four months ago, I got a part-time, freelance job copyediting and writing for Nashville’s city magazine. That eased some of my fears about possibly resorting to changing fields after the move (journalism is tough to break and stay into), but it certainly did not ease my fears about finances. As you can imagine, freelancing doesn’t exactly rake in the big bucks, and with John going into school full-time, though he has plenty of savings and financial aid, he won’t have actual income for the next two years.

So, yeah. Needless to say, the pressure was amounting to uphold my end of the finance situation. I emailed every publication in town to see if I could write or do any kind of work for them, and nothing really came of it. I started applying to freelance jobs online, anything dealing with writing or editing that I could do remotely. I talked with my mom, a longtime Keller Williams team leader and realtor, about getting my real estate license.

And every morning, along with my thank yous and sorrys and pleases to God, I would ask him for something, really anything, to pan out so I could feel a sense of security financially. I don’t need to be rolling in dough, but I do need to be able to pay my half of rent and bills.

One of the things I did during my frenzied search for extra work is sign up for Care.com, a forum I used in college to find babysitting jobs. I created a profile and let it be, saving that option for last if I couldn’t find anything else journalism-related. After not touching my account for weeks after signing up, a few weeks ago I got a message from a woman saying she and her husband need a nearly full-time nanny for their five-month-old. Two weeks out from the move with not another job in sight, I hopped on the phone with her immediately.

This is how I know God has heard my prayers. I absolutely don’t think he answers every prayer. I don’t think he needs to. But when someone prays consistently for a need in their life, and then puts in the work on their end to accomplish as much as they can, I do believe God can work amazing wonders.

I never imagined I would be nannying again at 24 years old, but this family is so wonderful, and, truly, the situation couldn’t be better. The mom is a nurse; the dad owns his own business. They don’t work typical corporate hours, which allows for some flexibility with my schedule. I told her the only other gig I have is freelance work for a magazine, and she immediately invited me to use their Wi-Fi whenever the baby is napping to do any work I might have. The hours aren’t restricting, the parents are so sweet and welcoming, and the pay, as I asked God for morning after morning, absolutely takes care of my side of things.

Call it manifestation, call it divine intervention, call it whatever you’d like. To me, it’s a true testament and the most powerful proof that God hears me, and that is something worth sharing.

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1 Comment in Life

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Comments

  1. Gramma Bonnie says

    July 22, 2016 at 11:49 pm

    I felt my heart “strangely warmed” (words used by John Wesley to describe an early spiritual experience) and tears in my eyes as I finished reading your post just now. You have written from your heart, and I love and admire your openness, your honesty,, you willingness to be vulnerable. Beautifully done! Love to you and John.

    Reply

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Hi, there! I'm Audrey. I write blog and email content for female service-based small businesses and creative entrepreneurs. I'm also a professional over-sharer. Welcome to my weird little world. Rosé, correct grammar, and snacks are always welcome here.

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audskelton

Instagram post 2185045713348363765_10260814 Another weekend of exploring, wine tasting, church, rest, ramen, house cleaning, a bath for Piper, and a little work in the books. Aka, my perfect weekend??? Also, I don’t ever want to take off these boots. Ever. The end. Happy Monday and HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEK! The holidays are here and I am so very happy about it. ☺️✨
Instagram post 2180077453809017638_10260814 In honor of turning 28, I decided to write down 28 things you may or may not know about me... 🎉🥂
1. My middle name is JoAnn, but I didn’t know if there was an ‘e’ at the end for like 16 years. 😬
2. Gray is my favorite color. (I know.)
3. I’ve been writing full-time for a year and a half.
4. I purposefully choose to only work with women entrepreneurs whose missions are to help others.
5. I drink about a gallon of water a day.
6. I also drink a lot of wine (but not every day).
7. I could watch Parenthood over and over again.
8. I am so not attached to things and compulsively give stuff away. 🤦🏼‍♀️
9. Growing up, I always said I’d never get married or have kids.
10. Money doesn’t motivate me, but freedom does.
11. I’m either extremely focused or extremely lazy; I don’t really have a middle ground. 🙃
12. I love being alone. Lol.
13. Cooking with a podcast playing and a glass of rosé in hand is my idea of heaven.
14. @myfavoritemurder is the only podcast I don’t get sick of.
15. I get (and love) Botox.
16. I was vegetarian for 7 years.
17. I got certified to teach yoga when I was 15 years old.
18. I’m the youngest of 4.
19. My sister also likes to remind me I was the “unplanned” fourth. 😂
20. My grandparents are my heroes.
21. I read every single day—gotta keep up with them words, y’know?
22. I am EXTREMELY loyal and protective of my loved ones.
23. I hate to ask for help or bother people.
24. I try to move my body for 30 minutes every day.
25. I interned at Teen Vogue when I was 19.
26. My weakness is cheddar popcorn.
27. My pet peeve is when people don’t listen.
28. I am fixated by all things @bravotv.
As a little b-day gift, would you please leave a little something something interesting/fascinating/weird about you? 🥳🎁 Thanks for all the warm wishes and love. I love y’all. ✨
Instagram post 2179571568460430761_10260814 Last day as a 27 year old wasn’t so bad. Looking forward to 28. ☺️
Instagram post 2178634202199548697_10260814 Never not channeling this moment. ✨ This week has been full and fast and a bit overwhelming. I found myself complaining... a lot. Even as I sat with John last night enjoying a glass of wine. I listened to myself saying I don’t feel confident in some parts of my business and my body hurts and I’m busier than ever and our dog has been horrible lately and, and, and. And there will ALWAYS be things to complain about when we pick apart the details of our lives. But big picture? When I look at all the good that fills up my days—even the smallest things like morning walks and working in my coziest sweats and sipping my Nespresso as I chug away at my dreams—and all the opportunities I’ve been able to pursue, it’s like, holy shit. What am I even stressing about?! As T Swift would say, you need to calm down. So here I am, calmly and contently working on a Saturday but grateful to be able to and knowing this isn’t a weekly norm. (AND, also pretending I’m sitting poolside with a floppy hat and jalapeño margarita, for good measure.) Happy weekend to you. ☀️
Instagram post 2175121518887830575_10260814 I love this life we’re just beginning to build. ☺️
Instagram post 2172919921537463700_10260814 “Wow, Jenna Kutcher just posted an insta story saying she’s hiring a writer... should I apply?” I asked John late one night in bed earlier this year. Before waiting for his response, I’d already swiped up and followed the link to the LinkedIn application. In 5 minutes, I submitted my stuff, and in less than 24 hours, she offered me the role.

I’ve worked remotely on her content alongside a driven and brilliant group of women that makes up her team since April. This week I got to hug and meet each of them face to face for the first time, and I was blown away by the immediate familiarity and bond we had. Like, it’s been a day and I MISS these women I just met. 😂 We spent the days laughing and sipping margaritas by the pool, sharing our dreams for 2020 and beyond, and listening to each other’s stories and lives in a way that Slack really doesn’t allow.

And I have to admit, with a group of 10 women, I imagined there might be some competition or guarded energy, maybe a little clique-iness to navigate this week. That’s been my experience with large groups of women, anyway. (Because does high school ever truly end?!) But I should have known... Jenna isn’t about that kind of community. Every single woman who she’s hired on is warm and inviting, hilarious and inspiring in their own way. I felt like I was able to get to know each of them genuinely and found myself in awe of their stories. And that’s such a testament to the brand and business @jennakutcher has built, from her team to her students and audience and beyond. It’s about connection and impact and possibility, and she’s built a team that literally thrives and emotes allll of that. And I don’t think I’ll ever get over being a part of it. ✌🏼
Instagram post 2170189151853125726_10260814 Heading out on a quick gals-only retreat with one of my favorite clients and her whole team tomorrow, and I AM STOKED.

The truth is... I don’t embrace present moments very well. I’m constantly thinking about and planning out the next thing I need to do, or want to do. I often realize the beauty and blessing of the most special times way later on, failing to soak them up in the moment.

But this? Getting to travel and hang out with a group of powerful, strong women whose communal goal is to serve + improve the lives of others? I’m breathing it in for what it is, and it’s kind of everything I could hope for in creating my career.
Instagram post 2164749803406093536_10260814 Get you some girlfriends who are cool with losing power, getting evacuated in the middle of the night, not knowing where to go, snacking on Cheetos in a parked car for an hour and a half, having nowhere to stay, and still making the most of it. This weekend was NUTS, but I haven’t laughed so hard or had this much fun having my plans totally upended, ummm, ever.

Two of my dearest friends from college came to visit for the last few days, and I had planned allll the things: hiking through the redwoods, visiting Bodega Bay, wine tastings, local restaurants, yoga. I warned them about the Kincade Fire north of Santa Rosa before they got here but assured them we would be fine in the Airbnb we booked for our girls weekend in a town that seemed far enough away from the blazes. It ended up that many of our plans were canceled due to restaurants and wineries closing down from the smoke and employees facing evacuations, and then our Airbnb lost power Saturday night. And at 4 am Sunday morning, John called to tell me the town I was in was now being evacuated and to “just go south.” He’d meet us there because he was soon evacuated, too.

Now, I LOVE a plan. Like need one, live by one, feel most settled when I have one. But someone, somewhere (lookin’ at you, God) is letting me know that it is OKAY to not have a plan always. To figure things out as you go. To find joy in some of the most shitty situations. To focus more on being together in this moment than anticipating and worrying about what’s next.

Right now, we can only plan for the next day. We found an Airbnb to stay in 1.5 hours south of the fires last night, and my friends headed home this morning. Another strong wind is coming in tomorrow, which means the fires likely won’t be under control until later this week, if then. We don’t know when we will be able to go home. And yet, I’m okay. The people who matter most to me (and Piper 🖤) are okay, and I feel so much more concerned and sad about these fires that are devastating and ravishing land and homes and vineyards that have been around for decades in Sonoma County. If you pray, this county could sure use your prayers now. That’s my biggest plan for now.
Instagram post 2159803586007939677_10260814 A year ago, we ate tacos and pumpkin cake in a gray barn outside of Austin with all our family and friends showering us with love and lavender, and a cover band who really loved Bruno Mars. My aunt married us beneath a grove of oak trees after a string ensemble played “Mess is Mine” by Vance Joy as I walked toward you with my parents. It wasn’t a perfect day or the most traditional, but it was perfectly ‘us’ and that’s what I remember most fondly.

This year has brought more change and adventure than we ever could’ve imagined. It’s been challenging and emotional and messy and so very fun, joyful, and rewarding, beginning to build a life with you. And I can’t wait to see what’s in store next after the whirlwind that was year one.

I’ve always said you’re the man who changed my mind about relationships and love. You showed me what faithfulness and compassion look like, and you continue to. Thank you for being patient and honest and steady, and for knowing all the best ways to cheer me up and cheer me on. And for laughing at all my jokes, too. (Even the fake laugh. 😉) Let’s keep messing up and making up and figuring this life thing out forever, okay @the_beermonger?
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